Before I Die – Jenny Downham Review
Tessa is dying of leukemia, and there are no treatments left to stave it off. Before I Die documents her journey through her last few months of life, offering tear-jerking insight into the reality of love and life itself.
I first
read Before I Die months ago, and it
didn’t make that much of an impression on me. Some emotion, yes, but nothing
groundbreaking. So I decided to try it again, and have come to the conclusion
that this book needs to be read multiple times to be appreciated.
But
appreciate it I did.
I’m having
trouble pinning down exactly why. I mean, Tessa (main character) is incredibly
annoying. If I met her in real life, I would probably punch her. Yeah, she’s
got a terminal illness but gurl if you’re going to narrate a book please stop
making me want to strange you before the cancer can! However, this could be a
good or bad thing, depending on how much likeability you’re willing to sacrifice
for the sake of realism.
That
carries through to the whole book, actually. The whole book is so achingly,
beautifully real. She’s no archetypal
What Katy Did character. But neither
is she outrageous enough to be entertaining in her unpleasantness. She’s just
an ordinary teenage girl who knows she is going to die, trying to live her life
the way she wants it. And that doesn't mean things like helping the orphans, by
the way. It’s things like sex and drugs, things that she sees as so urgent
because if she doesn't do them now she may never get the chance.
The
crowning glory of the book, though, is the writing. It’s simply stunning,
always perfectly phrased. I was trying to get some choice phrases to illustrate
my point but there were too many to choose from so they’re at the bottom of
this post. The whole thing is just so unashamedly surreal. I don’t know how
Downham gets away with it – anywhere else it would just come off as
pretentious, Tessa’s constant philosophising. Here, while it’s still
pretentious, it fits somehow and adds to the piece.
And Adam - Adam is just great. You'd have to read his dialogue to understand.
All this
said, I would avoid the book if you like plot-driven novels rather than
emotion-driven ones. Before I Die really
has no plot to speak of. I mean, the ending is in the title. And there are no
big twists or sudden bangs. But if you appreciate beauty, subtle tearjerkers and little insights
into the strangeness of life, I recommend it.
3.5 stars.
Examples of the writing:
"You've got lots more tomorrows."
'I used to believe that Dad could do anything. Save me from anything. [...] It hurts more than I could ever have imagined.'
'And I'll continue in this empty world, tapping silently on the glass between us.'
'If wishes came true, my bones wouldn't ache as if all the space inside them is used up.'
'How many miles we miss each other by.'
'How easy it is for them to talk about the future.'
'It's easy to talk in the dark - I never knew that before.'
'It's utterly beautiful not to know my own edges.'
'He strokes my head, my face, he kisses my tears.'
"I want to die in my own way. It's my illness, my death, my choice. This is what saying yes means.”
